Tuesday, March 08, 2011

Saturday, February 05, 2011


1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. Someone asks you how far away something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.


1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.


1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.


1. You get a movie and bait in the same store.
2. After fifteen years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are ya?"
3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names.


1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, and he stops at the Day Care Center.
3. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail.


1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different! "

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. You don't know how to vote

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

75 Ways To Stay Unhappy Forever

1. Dwell on things that happened in the past.
2. Obsess yourself with all the things that might happen in the future.
3. Complain about problems instead of taking the necessary steps to resolve them.
4. Fear change and resist it.
5. Work hard, do your best and then condemn yourself for not achieving perfection.
6. Belittle yourself.
7. Hang out with other people who belittle you.
8. Try to control everything and then worry about the things you can’t control.
9. Lie to yourself and those around you.
10. Keep doing the same thing over and over again.
11. Be lazy and follow the path of least resistance.
12. Hold onto anger. Never forgive anyone.
13. Always be right. Never let anyone else be more right than you.
14. Compare yourself unfavorably to those who you feel are more successful.
15. Let small issues snowball into big problems.
16. Never learn anything new.
17. Never take responsibility for your own actions.
18. Blame everyone around you.
19. Don’t ask for directions and don’t ask questions.
20. Don’t let anyone help you.
21. Quit when the going gets tough.
22. Be suspicious. Trust no one.
23. Get four hours of sleep every night and convince yourself that it’s enough.
24. Never throw anything way. Even if you don’t use it, hold onto it.
25. Say “yes” to everyone. Fill all your time with commitments.
26. Try to be everyone’s friend.
27. Multitask, multitask, multitask! Do everything at once.
28. Never spend any time alone.
29. Don’t help others unless you have to. Do only the things that benefit you directly.
30. Hang out with people who complain about everything.
31. Focus on what you don’t want to happen.
32. Fear the things you don’t fully understand.
33. Always seek external validation before you consider yourself good enough.
34. Take everything and everyone in life seriously.
35. Spend your life working in a career field you aren’t passionate about.
36. Focus on the problems.
37. Think about all the things you don’t have.
38. Read or watch lots of depressing news from broadcast media.
39. Set lofty goals for yourself and never do anything to achieve them.
40. Never exercise.
41. Only eat junk food and fried food.
42. Never check-up on your health.
43. Setup your lifestyle so it revolves around money.
44. Spend more than you earn and rack up lots of financial debt.
45. Don’t say what you mean. Don’t mean what you say.
46. Frown.
47. Never tell anyone how you feel or what you’re thinking.
48. Make sure everything you do impresses someone else.
49. Always put your own needs on the back burner.
50. Get involved in other people problems and make them your own.
51. Make others feel bad about themselves.
52. Watch TV for several hours every day.
53. Gamble often.
54. Stay in the same place. Don’t travel.
55. Don’t play, just work.
56. Let your hobbies go.
57. Let your close relationships go.
58. Never finish what you start.
59. Take everything personally.
60. Do lots of drugs. Drink lots of alcohol.
61. Never say, “I’m sorry.” Never say, “I love you.”
62. Don’t work hard at anything.
63. Always wait until the last minute.
64. Believe that, no matter what, you are entitled to things.
65. Let others make decisions for you.
66. Remember the insults. Forget the compliments.
67. Let it all bottle up inside.
68. Rely on others for everything.
69. Fail to plan.
70. Don’t dream.
71. Don’t think about the future at all.
72. Always disregard other people’s opinions and suggestions.
73. Make promises you can’t keep.
74. Don’t decide on anything, ever.
75. Just keep going and going and going. And never ever stop.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010


I was talking to the little girl of a friend of mine. I asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up and she replied, "I want to be President!"

Both of her parents are liberal Democrats and were standing there. So then I asked her, "If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?" She replied, "I'd give houses to all the homeless people."

"Wow - what a worthy goal." I told her, "You don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where there is a homeless guy that hangs out there. You can give him the $50 to use toward a new house."

Since she is only 6, she thought that over for a few seconds. While her Mom glared at me, she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"

And I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party." Her folks still aren't talking to me.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010


A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

I always take life with a grain of salt... plus a slice of lemon... and a shot of tequila.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

She got her good looks from her father; he's a plastic surgeon.

You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.

I like going to the park and watching the children run and jump around, because you see, they don't know I'm using blanks.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Which side of the fence?

If you ever wondered which side of the fence you sit on, this is a great test!

If a Republican doesn't like guns, he doesn’t buy one.
If a Democrat doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

If a Republican is a vegetarian, he doesn’t eat meat.
If a Democrat is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.

If a Republican is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
If a Democrat is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.

If a Republican is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
A Democrat wonders who is going to take care of him.

If a Republican doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels.
Democrats demand that those they don't like be shut down.

If a Republican is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church.
A Democrat non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced.

If a Republican decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.
A Democrat demands that the rest of us pay for his.

If a Republican reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh.
A Democrat will delete it because he's "offended".

Well, I forwarded it.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

On Cultural "Tolerance": When Enough Is Enough!

America, Canada , all Europe .... Needs a President like this....

Prime Minister Kevin Rudd - Australia


"IMMIGRANTS, NOT AUSTRALIANS, MUST ADAPT. Take It Or Leave It. I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Bali , we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Australians."

"This culture has been developed over two centuries of struggles, trials and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom. We speak mainly ENGLISH, not Spanish, Lebanese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society, Learn the Language!"

"Most Australians believe in God. This is not some Christian, right wing, political push, but a fact, because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture."

"We will accept your beliefs, and will not question why. All we ask is that you accept ours, and live in harmony and peaceful enjoyment with us."

"This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and OUR LIFESTYLE, and we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this. But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about Our Flag, Our Pledge, Our Christian beliefs, or Our Way of Life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great Australian freedom, THE RIGHT TO LEAVE.."

"If you aren't happy here then LEAVE. We didn't force you to come here. You asked to be here. So accept the country YOU accepted."

Maybe if we circulate this , American citizens will find the backbone to start speaking and voicing the same truths..

This is not posted for discussion, if you disagree simply delete!

If you agree, please SEND THIS ON..

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Friday, April 09, 2010

Henry Smalls

Friday, March 05, 2010